Tossing the Baby out With the Bathwater…..

So people are wrapping up the year and a memorable one it’s been. I won’t say that this year has been all shits and giggles but with ups and downs, a lot of lessons have been learned. Below is one of my fav asshole moments of 07

So over the Summer, I was with my betrothed (yes, some dashing young princess has elected to call the amazing SOVA her own) visiting family in North Carolina. Now mind you, it’s the middle of a hot East Coast Summer, eclipsing 102-103 degrees every day (with 99.98% humidity no less). Lucky you SOVA, lucky you. Anyhow, through a random act of family kindness, we found ourselves lodging at some hotel in assville N.C.. It was nice, at least by North Carolina standards, and as we were pulling up, I noticed a gaggle of college co-eds (mostly blondes) running into the hotel. Lucky you SOVA, luck you. Not just a few, mind you, but 20-30 girls, adorned in their matching Victoria Secret “Pink” shorts, which they were not afraid to offer sponsorship across their asses.

Came to find out that there was some sort of Sadie Hawkins dance going on or something of that nature. Whatever I mused to myself as the ass paraded by. The day went on leading to a still blistering hot night and it was time to turn in as I had taken a red eye and had been sleep deprived for 20 some odd hours. Properly medicated with a cocktail of downers, I was able to beat the heat and pass out.

What felt like twenty minutes (but in reality was a few hours) later, my girl screams and I sit up at attention, shaking off the heroin like coma I self induced just a few hours previous. She’s standing at the door, looking at me, saying: “There is a guy trying to break into our room!” I get up and move to the door carefully as the hinge lock is still attached, allowing me to see the perp trying to stick his hands in the door.

My gal moves to the other side of our luxury palace and I tell the guy (who is wasted by the way-duh) that he is trying to get into the wrong room. “Blah Blah Blah (insert jibberish here), no I’m not, let me in,” was his response. This goes on for a minute or two and I realize the guy isn’t going to quit. He’s taller than me, which isn’t saying too much (I’m an overbearing 5’9) but thinner. So I think to myself that he’s not much of a threat. I undo the latch to the door and as I open it, the kid puts a shoulder into the door and barrels in, knocking me into a counter and lacerating my back. At this point, SOVA becomes perturbed and proceeds to bend the young lad in half (backwards) until he snaps to the floor. Oh the joys of being on downers… I believe Dennis on IASIP refers to it as “Retard Strength.” I strategically place my knee on the kids windpipe and as he turns purple I contemplate beating him.

SOVA refrains.

However, by this point, my gal has called security and they come to pick his pieces up off the ground. It’s at this point that the young sport realized that maybe he wasn’t in the right room (in fact the room he was looking for was exactly one floor below ours). While the story isn’t that funny, the amusing part comes later as security ushers the kid downstairs to the “right” room to throw everyone out. The perp (such a lame word but whatevs…), now somewhat conscious, is now making threats to the security agent that his father knows Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s attorney and we are all “in for it.”

Here’s the hook: The police officer, who had arrived on the scene, replied to the well heeled stud, “I don’t care if you know Johnny Cochran, you’re going to jail!” Mind you, Johnny had been quite dead for a spell (see, I’m in my N.C. zone right now) and didn’t have much to do with rebutting the poor, jailbound, drunkie.


Lesson: Stay away from NC. It blows. I pissed blood for a week.

~ by A Soul on the Verge of Aim on December 18, 2007.

One Response to “Tossing the Baby out With the Bathwater…..”

  1. I miss you, sir.

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